This is the post where I talk about Cancer

Behind every girl's haircut is a story. More often than not, behind every haircut is a heartbreak story.

You know how symbolic it is for a girl to be messing with her crowning glory. When we want to have a big change in our lives, we usually start with either having a bob or the bolder pixie cut.

Why and how I went scissor-happy two years ago is not the "usual" heartbreak story, though. It is a story I don't always want to talk about; a story I have never written about until today. It is the story of the strongest woman I know. :)

It is hard to string along paragraphs when you start an entry with a haircut story when what you actually want to write about is Cancer. Well, at least for me. It IS hard not because, as I said, this is the first time I wrote something about this part of my life but because having to recount that experience is like reliving the moment. Even so, I am writing this to give credence to my claim that my Mama is the strongest woman I will ever know.

What really happened when the doctor broke the news to the family is hazy (either that or I don't want to remember) but if you are a fan of Kailangan Ko'y Ikaw (my Papa is a BIG fan!), it's pretty much like that, from the father talking to his two daughters about their mother's condition, weighing options and probabilities together, Kris apologizing for having cancer like it was her fault, to the whole Dagohoy family hugging and consoling each other. That-AND SO MUCH MORE!!! Again, I don't want to remember it so drawing an analogy with that teleserye is my poor attempt at illustrating it.

During the entire ordeal, I have never seen Mama cry nor complain about her condition. NEVER. She was even the one reassuring us that everything will be alright and that she will fight, "Kay wala pa ko natagbaw ug uban sa inyo." Those encouraging words came from an ailing, pale-nailed, balding woman who, incidentally, has fetish for her hair and nails. Who were we to cry and question God when even Mama never did? Who am I to be frail when, even in the lowest of lows, Mama showed nothing but resilience?

On her third Chemo session, I gave Mama this card: (photo not mine)

I rummaged through her drawers post-Pablo and I couldn't find the exact card but I distinctly remember what I wrote:

"Mama, with or without cancer we still have the best family and with or without cancer, we still have the most beautiful mother."

Two years, six Chemo sessions, countless novenas said and X Tamoxifen boxes later, I could still say the same. If anything, cancer made us realize how precious life is and how important it is to have each other. I will never stop thanking the Lord for letting me into this family.

Now, back to the haircut. Mama and I usually have haircuts together even way back.

So, to prepare for the "change", we went from this: to this: and finally: (tough times during this hairstyle so not much photos)

If there's one thing I regret not doing, it's obeying her, telling me not to go all the way. :-/ We could've really grown our hair long again together.

Mama, it's your birthday once again. :) And I will always remind you of how strong you have always been and how much strength you have given Papa, Pawpaw, Evo and I. We love you so much Mama! You are the best mother and grandmother (sorry for the reminder, HAHA!). You are our superwoman. HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY MAMA! ;) :P

What 11 V-day's taught me

This post is dedicated to everyone who believes in love, a tacky proof to the old adage, "IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, IT WILL BE."

To many, what happened on Valentine's Day in Fifth grade may long be forgotten as that day was probably spent playing chinese garter or "jolens" or both. To me, Valentine's Day in Fifth grade will always be special. On that day,in February 2001, I received a love letter. On that day, my guileless mind did not comprehend how that love letter would change my life.

A lot has happened through the years.

We found love and lost it, but in hindsight, it made the relationship stronger. The 4-year distance that we braved allowed us to grow individually into our own persons, enjoy youth separately and finally allowed us to meet again at the time we were both seasoned by the distance, pain, time and people and made ready to live life again, together. We grew up together and apart but with God's grace, we hope to grow old together.

I have loved one boy for more than half of my life and I am so blessed to be in this love story. Sure, there's still a long way to go. But, we made it here again, separately, how can't I be sure we will make it to forever, together?

After 11 Valentine's Days, I have learned:

1. That an 11-year old boy can actually write a decent love letter, unassisted;

2. that I am old enough to have experienced a love story through letters (complete with "official" bearer! :D);

3. that although seemingly far-fetched, it pays to get girlfriended even when you're only 12 and

4. that love, coupled with faith and determination will rise above anything and anyone.

2010 in bullet form

On the outset, let me congratulate my self for surviving 2010 unscathed. For the record, this year has been the most trying, topsy-turvy year for me and for the family. You ask why? I'll give you the answers in (TENTENENEN!!!!!) bullet form because I am not in the mood to string along long sentences.

* Mid-January, Pawpaw caught dengue and was hospitalized for nearly a week.



*March, I graduated from college. :)



*Welcomed a once wayward heart that finallly went back home.




*.. and Mark, Oliver, Van, April, Karina and I went to Dave's baluarte and had the best all-expense paid vacation cum Dave's thanksgiving.



*but instead of heading home, I headed straight to the hospital because I found out Nanay was hospitalized. I can never forget that one night while we were lying in her hospital bed and out of the blue, she said "I love you" when I thought she was already fast asleep. Ah, memories. :')

*Early morning of April 11th, Nanay could no longer move, talk, open her eyes and was declared in coma. She fought for life for almost a month, a week of which, with nary any food nor medicine.

*And come May 7th, she succumbed to God's call and went to the happier place.



*Since it was scheduled prior to Nanay's untimely demise, the family went to Hong Kong






*and to Macau early June. And we had the time of our lives.



*On the first week of July, Papa had a kidney problem that became yet another "hospital time" for the family. Thankfully, that wasn't anything serious. :) In fact, we managed to drop by Ice Giants before heading home. :-P



*August, celebrated August 6, 2002 together, for the first time in years. :)





*September, had a short stint, too short to even write about. :p

*October was a happy month. :) Pawpaw celebrated her 18th birthday, to which I was punong-abala. Well, Ate duties. :)



*November, I turned 21. EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-EH-OH!

*December, had the merriest christmas vacay yet. :)




What a year that was. A lot has happened and I admit, there were times when I thought of 2010 as somewhat an affliction, a bane. But looking back, I realized that all that has been are what makes 2011 something to anticipate with faith and hope, and welcome with cheer.

That was 2010 in a nutshell. Happy 2011 to all of us!

Here. Somewhere.

Since all I hear now is white noise, I am not sleepy and I do not want to devour (yet) the last few pages of the book The Boyfriend gave me just last night, I might as well extract this creative juice that seeps out only when I feel a little down in the dumps. Maybe I can pin it on not having someone to talk to at this very moment since The Parents are away until the 9th, The Sister and I are 120 km apart and The Lover is not around. Or maybe, this is because it's been seven months now since she went away. Call me über-dramatic but I tell you, one can never fully understand what death means until it takes away someone you love so much.

As I was checking this blog, I came across an open letter I wrote when she was still fighting for dear life. I saved a copy on draft and had been putting the writing of the letter off until May 7th. Sadly, I wasn't able to finish writing the letter. At least, before she went to The Happy Place. It said:

My Dearest Nanay Sing,
I know. There is no way you will be able to read this because first of all, you don't know blogspot and facebook (and the Internet) and second of all, life itself is becoming a burden to you for three weeks now that even the slightest twitch of your finger becomes a very big achievement. Nevertheless, I am still hoping against hope that you can get to read this and keep it along with all the other cards and letters I was able to give you from the time I first learned how to write. Nay, writing this letter has been painful and at the same time, liberating. Painful because I know that no matter how I try to convince myself that you will soon be in a happier place, questions and so many questions race in my mind even so. And liberating just because. God, how I will miss you!
I know you've been holding on for me.

I miss her. There have been so many nights like this one when after a day, especially when snags pile up, I just can't put myself to sleep because I know she won't be here in the morning. I miss her. It still feels like she's here, somewhere.

An open letter to you

Dearest,

Much has been said about love; I have known all there is to know when I knew you.

There's Love: The Type That You Hurl To The Trash Bin And Spit On and Love: The Type That Starts From Fifth Grade, Develops in High School, Weathered Storms And Will Become A Happy Ending. It is needless to say in which type ours falls.

Looking back, our life together superimposes everything I had to go through alone. Look at what we have become. Look at us now.

I have said everything you need to know in the past eight years. You know so well. This might sound like an excuse for my being too happy to actually write remotely good but you sure know SO WELL.

Thank you for coming home. You are always welcome.

Much has been said about love; you have known all there is to know when you knew me.

You are my you, Carlos Felipe Cuyos.

Happy Birthday, Barneee!:)

I was "driving" my four-wheeled-bike-with-a-little-black-basket-in-the-rear when Mama and Papa left.  Nanay, who probably sensed I was about to cry, told me: "Mabalik lang na sila sarum-an ah. Indi timo maghibi. Indi taton mag-upod kay makadto sanda sa hospital".  Maybe, I was too amused with my bike that I didn't mind watching Mama and Papa leave. I wasn't expecting that they'd be bringing someone along when they came back. 

 

I can vividly remember that sunny morning when you were first brought home. You were delicately wrapped in a canary yellow fabric with white lining. You were so small then. Mama, who was carrying you, called me. Nanay prodded me to go to Mama to take a look at you for the first time. Instead of heeding them, I busied myself playing with the water from the lavatory where I was. When I finally obliged, I went to Mama and peeked at what seemed to be a clump of cloth. There, I saw a cherub with kinky hair and big brown eyes. My three year-old mind did not know that on that sunny morning, I was being introduced to my would-be best friend; that on that morning until forever, I will never be alone anymore. Ever.

 

True enough, I was never alone. We grew up together literally. From sharing the same room, the same bed to even sharing the same pillow. We dreamt together and together, we would fulfill each dream. As planned, we will have our dream houses built alongside each other so that even when we have families of our own, we’ll still be together.

 

Pauling, you are the best sister in the world not only because you are the RICHEST but also because more than being sisters, we’re very good friends. And that, for me, is one of life’s greatest pleasures.

 

Little sisters can be so pesky and at times, very annoying.  But definitely not my Pawpaw. You may have grown so big (*peace*) but you will always be Mama, Papa and Bb’s baby.:D If there’s one thing you should be sure of always having, it’s my love. So goes our favorite song: I will chase the ghosts from your head because I am stronger than the monster beneath your bed.

 

Happy Birthday, Barneee! I love you so much.

 

something "copy-pasted" to think about.:D

HOW TO CONTROL EMOTIONS

This would give you guides on how to control your emotions towards your better-half, friends, officemates and all the people around you, . The rules of practicing " ugaling langit, ugaling kaaya-aya" :

#1 Ang naunang magalit ang may karapatang magalit. Pag naunahan ka na ng galit niya, tumahimik ka na lang muna.

#2 Walang taong nag-aaway mag-isa. Pag hindi kayo sumagot o pumatol, titigil din daw ang taong nakikipag- away sa inyo.

#3 Ang taong galit, 'bingi.' If someone is angry, wala raw pinakikinggan, so, don't try to explain and fight back. Hindi ka niya iintindihin dahil wala siyang naririnig kundi ang sarili nya..

#4 Ang taong galit, 'abnoy.' Ayon sa pastor, Biblical daw ito? because the Lord said when He was crucified, "Father, patawarin mo sila dahil hindi nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa." Modern term for these kinds of people are abnoys, so you better not get angry para huwag kang matawag na abnoy.

You should also know and realize that the persons who make your day bad are jewels , because you need them for you to mature. Hangga't andyan daw sila at kinaiinisan mo, ibig sabihin, immature ka pa. God will not take away those people; it's for you to take away your bad feelings towards them. You'll know na mature ka na pag dumating 'yung time na hindi ka na naiinis sa mga taong ito because you have learned to accept them and to have patience with them.

#5 Finally, the best part of this is to tell yourself na, because of this person, "I will grow mature," and that DAHIL SA CONTRIBUTION NIYA SA MATURITY MO, KUKUNIN DIN SYA NI LORD.