Here. Somewhere.

Since all I hear now is white noise, I am not sleepy and I do not want to devour (yet) the last few pages of the book The Boyfriend gave me just last night, I might as well extract this creative juice that seeps out only when I feel a little down in the dumps. Maybe I can pin it on not having someone to talk to at this very moment since The Parents are away until the 9th, The Sister and I are 120 km apart and The Lover is not around. Or maybe, this is because it's been seven months now since she went away. Call me über-dramatic but I tell you, one can never fully understand what death means until it takes away someone you love so much.

As I was checking this blog, I came across an open letter I wrote when she was still fighting for dear life. I saved a copy on draft and had been putting the writing of the letter off until May 7th. Sadly, I wasn't able to finish writing the letter. At least, before she went to The Happy Place. It said:

My Dearest Nanay Sing,
I know. There is no way you will be able to read this because first of all, you don't know blogspot and facebook (and the Internet) and second of all, life itself is becoming a burden to you for three weeks now that even the slightest twitch of your finger becomes a very big achievement. Nevertheless, I am still hoping against hope that you can get to read this and keep it along with all the other cards and letters I was able to give you from the time I first learned how to write. Nay, writing this letter has been painful and at the same time, liberating. Painful because I know that no matter how I try to convince myself that you will soon be in a happier place, questions and so many questions race in my mind even so. And liberating just because. God, how I will miss you!
I know you've been holding on for me.

I miss her. There have been so many nights like this one when after a day, especially when snags pile up, I just can't put myself to sleep because I know she won't be here in the morning. I miss her. It still feels like she's here, somewhere.